Sprinkle of Hope

Feeling unloved? Unwanted? Seems no one around you cares you exist?
Don't you worry. It was Jesus Himself who came to earth to show us who He is and what He is (IS, ...not was) willing to do for you. Don't think your existence matters? If your existence didn't matter then why were you born? Why did He think of you and create you? Instead of focusing so much on your existence focus on His, and others around you. His life wouldn't have been the same if He were not going to create you. Stay. Live. With Him. He clearly created you because He wanted to spend time with you; He wanted you to experience His Love. Haven't yet? Then you need to grow in patience, grasshopper. His time is not our time, but He will reveal His Love to you in little things. See Him in what you love. Adventure. Thunder. Chillin in a hot tub with a cold beer in your hands--what, I'm Texan. Just wait and see.

The Weight Front

One thing I never joke about is weight. Every person born and over the age of 15 has a weight "problem". It starts when we are young. Pushed onto us by the adults. Everyone has received a comment about their weight be it nice or not so nice. My question is, "WHY EVEN COMMENT ON SOMEONE'S WEIGHT?" I don't understand. What does the weight of a person's body matter to anything besides health?? And therefore, no one has the right to say anything to another about their weight unless they are an MD and concerned for their health.

People don't get it when and if I say, "I'm sensitive about my weight" because they assume if I'm not overweight then I should have no problem. WRONG! And if they think I haven't been teased about my weight because I'm "thin" then they better think again. Ever since I was born people have had something to say about my weight....most of them without knowing me. As soon as I was born my grandmother had my mother take me to the doctors because she was "concerned" about my weight (being too thin). MD said nothing was at all wrong with my health. In first grade peers started measuring my wrists with their fingers. In 2nd grade me and my best friend (who had the same problem) would suck in our stomachs to give the kids something really to be joke about. We got a kick out of it. Middle school girls would tease me and another friend of mine who was thin. We were the "sticks". Boys would tease us because according to them, since they were experts in this field at age 12, we had no curves (this is putting it nicely instead of using their language.) High school came with both sexes doing these same things but also with comments such as, "I bet you can eat anything you want," or "have you eaten today?" and "let me feed you" and many of, "why don't you eat??"'s. These questions are extremely ignorant. Seriously. If I didn't eat, then I wouldn't be alive. And if I didn't eat today, would I be laughing as much as i do?? sheesh.

I've never been able to give blood because I "weigh below the limit." This is medically acceptable I guess but it just adds to the problem since not just peers and elders tell you this but officials in front of your peers. Giving them more ammunition for rude comments. Now that I'm past the college age, I still recieved ALL of these reactions and comments. From coworkers and bosses! Many of which are a few decades older than I am. Whoever says with age comes class is wrong!

Ever since I was in middle school I've tried gaining weight. I'd take my brother's creatine protein shakes. I'd eat a whole loaf of bread (parents hated me doing this) I'd double my servings, but nothing seemed to get me over the 5 pound gain mark. Now people are saying, "oh, (chuckle) just wait until you're older. You'll have the same problems as the rest of us." Like I'm some kind of alien! Dude, just because I have a different problem then yours doesn't make yours worse or worthy of more pity than mine. Just sayin....I'm totally venting.

Look, rude weight commenters, weight shouldn't even be talked about. But it's talked about during lunches, dinners, parties, meeting a friend you haven't seen in a while "you look fabulous *while checking you out up and down*." And since I do ballet the comments are double as often. "Oh, that's why you look like that." People have such classy manners. So polite in wording. Ha!

Let's all take a break from commenting on other people's weight. Who cares if they are x-small, small, medium, large, or x-large. We aren't french fries.

We are people. With feelings. And souls. And brains. Let's let the size front only matter with our coffee and french fry orders. There are so many other things to say to someone.

Much love to you all,
Hope

A Yearning

Ever have the urge to have someone near you? Close by your side? Today I was contemplating this yearning we human beings have. I came to realize that it wasn't just me, but we all have this need to be near someone else besides ourselves. Nuns, monks, priests, hermits, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, single men and women; we all have this same need. My last post of my dream with Kim explains where these contemplations have risen.

I have always wanted to be close to Kim, even when she aggravated or perturbed me. I wanted her near me. Still do! I don't know her feelings towards me when she passed, but I know my yearning to be near her never subsided. So the flopping in the dreams of my following her and her following me posed the question in my mind of who yearns for who and what this might mean or what the cause of it all is. It led me to the Adoration Chapel (where the Eucharist is held) to ask from the Creator of these yearnings and the answers to the questions. While there on the floor in the fetal prostration before the Shepard I realized...that if we ever lack affection from someone, He is there with affection for us. If we ever lack affection for someone, He teaches us how to live affectionately. Which answers the question so many people have for priests and nuns: "Aren't you lonely without a spouse? Don't you long for a spouse for affection?"

Christ gives us everything we ever need and desire. He built this desire of affection within us--of course He'll fulfil it! I noticed in myself that if I don't get my desired dose of affection, I'm in front of the Eucharist soaking all the Love in whether in Mass, Adoration, or Reconciliation (Confession). He won't leave you starving. No! He lavishes all His riches of love on you when you need it. And for me and all the other single people, we just happen to desire more of Him than those who get their desired dose of affection from their spouse. We frequent the Sacraments a wee bit more often, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is why we desire affection from others, it simply brings us closer to God! The one who can shove more love on you than any other being! He can shove ALL He wants. I am here accepting Him.

I'll have to leave you with a song that popped into my head while leaving Adoration. Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson. And don't forget!: "happy is the heart that still feels pain." Enjoy and see you all in a few!

I Love. That's All. I Just Love.

There's a song that expresses how I feel most days:

It's crazy how this song nailed my feelings on the head. And I know this is how a lot of people feel too, which makes it incredible. I love how so many people love God. (Let's not focus on the ones that don't love Him right now, k? :)

So, it's mother's day and I just wanted to wish all you beautiful mothers out there in this world a happy and blessed mothers day! :) I don't know how y'all do it, so thank you for following your calling in being mothers! Truly remarkable. I just got off the phone with my mother. Yea, she totally left me stranded after middle school but at least she raised me till I was 13! Some people don't even get 13 years with their mothers, so I had to thank her for her selflessness by putting up with me for 13 years. We discussed how different we are (total extremes, us two) and laughed about it. She told me she never understood me because we were always so different. We always had different views. For instance, when she would ask me what I wanted my husband to look like, I answered with something along the lines of: "handsome, but he has to want to adopt orphans too." She has the typical girl mind (I'm the weird one.) She got excited over boys when she was young. I never did she said. Yes, I had crush after crush after crush, but she said they never were my goal. And she says she never understood that, because that was her goal. After talking about this she laughed and said, "Hope, it's going to take a really special guy to get you married." Ha! So true. I won't get married unless the guy is some kind of orphan loving, mission oriented, justice serving Catholic dude who is in love with God more than he's in love with me type of dude. Heck, I won't even date a guy unless he is someone like this! But alas, no one like this is ever interested in me! :) Plus, there are very few of these types of men. Anyhoo, I'm not planning on meeting anyone like this because I still don't see me spending my life on earth married with children. Instead, I see myself mentoring children and young adults and the sick. I see myself not as a housewife but as a servant to the world.

Anyway, keep listening to the song up above. It'll make you dance. :)

Just An Insight at the Table

This is going to be random and having nothing to do with dreams of Kim. But for my own sake I'm going to write this down to let it out of my system.

I went to daily Mass today so eagerly. Reason being because I had to skip Monday and Tuesday's Mass and therefore missed the intimacy of Christ being within me in the Eucharist. As I enter the Church building nothing was new. Everything was magnificently the same. As Father enters the Chapel, I start to weep. Why? Not sure why exactly but it had something to do with my feeling at home in my Father's arms. I knew I was going to encounter Him there and was eager to His entering my mouth when I receive Him in the Eucharist. So, at that moment when the priest comes in to kiss the alter, my heart dropped and slight tears filled my eyes. And during the readings my heart was confirmed that there is no other place for me. It's there. With Him. In His arms. Yes, it's a beautiful consolation that I don't always receive.

I don't want to jump to conclusions but there at Mass I felt there is no need for me to be married. For me, I would be the happiest if just His alone. I know I'm not "special" to Him. No. I'm just me. And He loves me no more than anyone else. Heck. Sometimes I feel like He doesn't care for me at all! But, I love Him. I don't know what it is but there's just something about Him that I just can't get over. I'm in love with God. Silly? Maybe. But I can't help myself. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry to God if He doesn't want me to love Him as much as I do. But I say it's His fault for being so beautiful. It will be a difficult life if I do not marry; having to make my own money as well as be a mother to different souls out there in my daily life. But. I think it will make me the happiest.

I will continue to mull this over but am completely satisfied with my consolation today.
May God bless you and yours.
All my love,
Hope

Dreams

I've never experienced someone reoccurring in my dreams before until now. My dreams are always different. But what doesn't change now is a particular someone. You know who that someone is if you've read the past few blogs posts. I was going to let these dreams sly and not think too much about them. But a coffee date with a good friend of mine transformed my thoughts. She said I should write everything I am being told in these dreams down. So, here's me attempting to remember some. Let's journey through some of my dreams.

The night before last Kim appeared in the dream while I was feeling anxious about making a decision. (I don't know what the decision was about) She took my hand and told me to take baby steps. And stayed with me as I made my first decision. Keep in mind I don't believe these dreams to be anything spectacular. I think her being there in them is just her way of telling me she loves me even though she's in Heaven. And that she knows I still need her; that's why she's not leaving my dreams.

Another dream: Last week I had a dream where I was seeking refuge. I found myself in many different places trying them on for size. I felt most at home in the studio, near close friends, and finally found myself in the Father's lap resting where I felt I was in Heaven. While resting there in His lap with my head on His shoulder Kim comes from behind Him and grazes her hand across His back to come to His front. He kisses my forehead and whispers His Love to me and steps back so I can see Kim face to face. We hug, talk and God the Father enters the conversation and the conversation between the three of us goes on the rest of the night till I woke up. This was my favorite and most crisp of the dreams I can remember so far.

The night before this dream Kim never left. She stayed with me throughout the night and wherever the dream took me, she went with me...which was strange to me, but I loved it! She came with me while I visit and argued with my family (what else is new?), she came to work with me...it was just like she came to spend a few days with me. It was marvelous having her there with me.

Once I remember more I'll be back to write them down for you all to see...
Peace of Christ be with you!

White Around The Collar: Homily: Holy Thursday

Ok. So I was googling where the quote of Mary's "why is this night so different than every other night?" in the Passion of the Christ came from and found this instead: White Around The Collar: Homily: Holy Thursday: "“Christ our Paschal Lamb has been sacrificed. Therefore let us celebrate the festival.” -1 Corinthians 5:7 My dear sisters in Christ, 1..."
Wow. I'm a fan of this blog!

Just a Matter of Time

Have you ever wondered about time? Lately I've been pondering where it comes and goes, when it strikes and when it slows, when it speaks and stands still. Since Kim's death these things have been so heavily in my mind. TIME. I can't say I like it nor can I say I hate it. Well, maybe I can hate it. (I seem to have been singing Clocks by Coldplay in my heart.) But there's a certain sense that remains unanswered.

I have a proposition for you this month. Ponder your time. Where has life taken you and where do you wish it will take you? Has it passed you by or for you has it slowed down? To give you more to ponder, here's a glimpse of what I've imagined.

I can't control time, yet sometimes I act like I can. I'm in this world with a steering wheel in front of me but the gas pedal is floored...no control over that, just the steering wheel. O, and there's no reverse. But there's a ton of rear view mirrors! Everything outside of the car: trees, roads, grass, buildings, hills, etc are events, people, and opportunities. And when you take interest in an event, person(s), or opportunity, time will sometimes slow down for you to turn the wheel towards that item. It's up to you. (The "emergency parking only" sign in the picture is for a good laugh...like time would let us park! I sincerely wish.:) Will you fall asleep at the wheel or take interest and action? Or does fear keep you from acting upon your interest? So much to ponder...

Today after Mass (Church, Service, Revival...whatever you choose to call it) a boy 7 years younger than I asked me out on a date. This made me wonder what civilization has come to. Kidding. It gave me the opportunity to compare our ages and our times. Of course I turned him down in case you were itching to know! But the point is I have 7 more years under my belt than this kid. So how could we combine our times together? It would be quite uncomfortable if tried. And despite all of this, the guy still decided to take the chance and turn his steering wheel towards me. It was quite sweet. I admire his courage to ask an older girl out.

I hope that I too can take courage and turn my wheel toward things that are of interest to me, even if they seem impossible to acquire. The little man gives us hope. He didn't fear. Fear doesn't lead to happiness nor safety, nor anything that is good! Fear is for the fools. So let's enjoy time. Let's take risks! Imagine it's your favorite ride in an amusement park, although this ride isn't only for amusement. It's for something greater!

A True Love

I don't know what else to do. I can't eat. I keep crying. I'm too sad to smile. I think losing my one true mother has put me into a depression. She was my ballet teacher when we first met...I was 7, she was 34. But that soon worked itself into her being my mentor. Then from being my mentor she became my friend. Then after we became friends she became my mother. She would first-aid my cuts when I fell down at the studio. She would doctor up my toes when my pointe shoes and the amount of time she put me on pointe killed them. She would hold me when I had a hard day at school. She would listen to me cry when something was difficult and work me through it (usually with a swift kick in the behind! But not without love in her eyes.) We laughed, cried, sweated together. I became her ballet model in class and she would always tell me what a joy I was for her to teach. And I would always tell her everything I had was from her...it was so true. Through all those years she not only gave me spunk, style, all my ballet knowledge and gifts, and a fun character but also passed her passion for dance onto me. One of my biggest passions is dance as was hers, and it's ALL thanks to my dance teacher, my mother, Kim West Hall.

I don't know what I'll do now that she's gone. I really can't grasp it yet. Last night I picked up my phone to call her...but after looking at her name in my phone started balling because I knew no one would answer. I no longer have the priveledge of calling her just to talk or say hi or I love you. I've lost that priveledge. I can no longer drop by her house or the studio to give her a big hug or laugh with her. I miss her terribly. She was too young to die. 53 years old. I always thought she'd be with me forever. And I guess she will, just not the way I thought she'd be. I wanted her there for my first everything. I miss her smell, her beautiful blue eyes, her sweet smile, her fun attitude, her arms, her jokes. I just miss her. She made everything better for me. She actually faught for me. When my blood mother left the country, she held me so tight and gave me her heart. And I knew that with her with me, nothing would fall apart. When my father took me out of dance, she gave me a full scholarship so I could be with her and so she could work on my technique. When he made my life hell (he knew how to do it so well) she cried with me and would tell me stories of her father and how she knew exactly how I felt. She promised to be there for me through it all and she was. She opened her house to me when I needed her shoulder and let me take her bedroom for chit chat with her. Her husband wasn't the happiest about him getting kicked out, but he totally understood. Anything for her Hope. I'll always be her Hope and she'll always be my perfect mother. She was so perfect to me. My perfect little Ms Kim. The one I called Mom. The one I looked up to. The one I wanted to be just like. Ms Kim, Mom, you will always have my heart, my Love, and my thoughts. We have so many beautiful memories together. It would take another lifetime just to go through them all! I picture you here with me, chillin on my bed with me as I write you this love letter. If your body was here you would be organizing my papers on my bed; you were such a busy body! But I wouldn't have changed anything about you. You seriously were and are perfect. I love you with all of my heart. -Your Hope.

Selfishness

So I've been thinking a lot about the point of life and how selfishly we should choose to live verses how selfishly we are actually called to live. My question is simple. Is it selfish to be married? This question sounds absurd but just bear with me.

I started a nanny job a few days ago to observe the family life more closely. I love taking care of children and so I thought it'd be perfect. Being there just for a few days has got me thinking already. When you have a family, you are unable to "care" for the world. You need to be cloistered in a certain sense from the world as to create a trusting and close family sense for the children in the house because it is from the house that we all learn how to love. As a parent, that would be a very huge responsibility to foster: creating a space for as a building block of and for love. And considering the sensitiveness of the human being, it is needed to make sure they are not bombarded by so many outsiders that they are uncertain of where the family really is (ie who really is my mommy and daddy?)

Now that I see this necessity more clearly, I wonder about the calling of loving the world. Would that fit into a family? Motherhood of your own children?

Motherhood is such a beautiful calling, if not the most beautiful of all the vocations. Giving life. Representing God to vulnerable children. Being the permanent gaurdian of lives. God trusting you with His amazing creations. It surpasses the simple status of "an honor."

Now I wonder, when someone feels called to love as many as possible--the world if possible, where does that person fall into the family vocation? And knowing that the majority of persons have the calling to be married and to give life makes me think about how God really wants us to live. I think with all of these equations the conclusion would be that we need to be a little selfish (if called to marriage)...and I don't know how much I like that as of right now. I'm in the process of accepting it, but I'm finding it really hard to accept. To look around me in the United States of America and see the many, many families around keeping close to themselves, taking care of their business (their kids) how do I not see the necessity of being a little "selfish" for the sake of the children? They are doing a terrific job of making sure their kids have a great life. But in my heart, where orphans live, I think where do other children fall into their heart? Is there no room for them? That makes me sad but at the same time the most joyous for those children who take up the whole of their parents' hearts. I don't know how I will accept this reality. I don't know what I'll do, but I'm trying my best. This may be something that leads me to my own vocation. Will I be a mother to her own children and with the most generous husband to allow us to adopt orphans or will I need to be single in order to share my love to orphans around the world? Sometimes I feel like I love too much. And other times I feel I'm being way too selfish. I search for perfection but will never find it in myself. There's a reality for us! We try so hard, beat ourselves up for the lack of perfection. I know God laughs at this. The perfection is Him. We are really searching for Him. Which leads me to say that God is searching for us. Since the beginning of time God has been searching for man.

And the Lord God called Adam and said to him: "Where are you?" Genesis 3.9

That's just a quick "God is so amazing" insert. :) You should know by now that I can't help but insert those.
 My conclusion will be quick seeing as I am in Starbucks for the free Wifi and they are closing right now. My conclusion: married life is a beautiful call and is the total opposite of selfishness because the parents are giving their lives completely to eachother and to their children. It's heroic. So because I have this heart for the world and orphans, I need to figure out what I'm going to do with it. How I am going to steer it to the right place. And how I will use this desire to love many...

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you had a beautiful time loving others with God's love today.

Okay, so this skit by the Skit Guys might bring my New Years resolution pass to light to you who wonder why I pass on the list. Lists are fine but it's the living it all out that should happen. Plus, why just do that once a year? Why not daily? That is my point.
P.S. Skate through the Skit Guys webpage. They are one of my favorite resources I used for youth ministry! They are hilarious!

2011--What Now?

Happy New Year, World! I hope your resolutions are going smoothly so far. I on the other hand didn't make any. I know, lame. But actually, I'm just a realist. The question I ask myself every year is, "Is there anything you want to achieve this year?" My answer is always, "of course!" And then the list pours out. But they're usually just hopeful things that will probably never happen. So instead I take one day at a time and if the opportunity for achievement shows its head then I will promptly grab it. I have nothing against New Years resolutions...I just work better when I try daily instead of yearly. For instance, today my resolution is to become more educated in the Church and to further form my conscience. I'll do that by reading some of this: http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_ben-xvi_exh_20100930_verbum-domini_en.html#INTRODUCTION,
find a new place to live by scoping out some apartments nearby, and gain peace in my soul--which I will do by an hour of Adoration proceeded by a hot cup of flavored green tea. (ooolala!)

I also need to find a new job. I love teaching ballet but clientele is pretty low so I need something else to tie me over. I'm thinking of being an aupair, or living small by getting a small job and living in a tiny apartment, or going back to school--why not?

The other night I was lying in my bed, praying to God that wherever I go this next month or year I am desired, loved and needed. I needed His reply to be tangible so I pulled out my Bible which was sitting right next to my bed, opened it up to Song of Solomon (because I wanted to hear Him say He loved me and thought I was beautiful--What?!? Girls need to hear these things!) And looked down to see what He would tell me through His written words and....this is what He said:

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the wild does: do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready!

Yeah, God just told me in a polite way, "No." Haha. He's pretty funny. He knows what I need when I need it and He was right. That's what I needed because God is not a genie in a bottle that gives me everything I want and when I want it. He is God and gives me what I need with or without me asking for it. He is my Father and treats me like His beloved daughter. And I know that even when I do not feel loved, He loves. Just because I do not feel doesn't mean that I'm actually not loved. It is in my knowledge that He loves me no matter what. And it is in that knowledge that I find Truth, Him, and I am free through Him. Not feeling loved is a cage of loneliness and He takes you out of that. With God you are not bound by the worlds prisons of self worth, murder, drunkenness, lies, selfishness, ugliness, greed. God takes you out of this and puts you right on His lap where you are unharmed and untouched. All you need is to know this. If you know this than the feelings won't sway your soul. The demons can play with your feelings but your knowledge is engraved in your conscience and they cannot touch your conscience. It's your safe graven place where God is found.

The chorus of Marry Me by Train always gets me. I feel it's God saying to marry Him today and everyday. He always wants to be close, everyday. So to put vows into this bond, as in marriage, stamps it permanent. Love it.