find a new place to live by scoping out some apartments nearby, and gain peace in my soul--which I will do by an hour of Adoration proceeded by a hot cup of flavored green tea. (ooolala!)
I also need to find a new job. I love teaching ballet but clientele is pretty low so I need something else to tie me over. I'm thinking of being an aupair, or living small by getting a small job and living in a tiny apartment, or going back to school--why not?
The other night I was lying in my bed, praying to God that wherever I go this next month or year I am desired, loved and needed. I needed His reply to be tangible so I pulled out my Bible which was sitting right next to my bed, opened it up to Song of Solomon (because I wanted to hear Him say He loved me and thought I was beautiful--What?!? Girls need to hear these things!) And looked down to see what He would tell me through His written words and....this is what He said:
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the wild does: do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready!Yeah, God just told me in a polite way, "No." Haha. He's pretty funny. He knows what I need when I need it and He was right. That's what I needed because God is not a genie in a bottle that gives me everything I want and when I want it. He is God and gives me what I need with or without me asking for it. He is my Father and treats me like His beloved daughter. And I know that even when I do not feel loved, He loves. Just because I do not feel doesn't mean that I'm actually not loved. It is in my knowledge that He loves me no matter what. And it is in that knowledge that I find Truth, Him, and I am free through Him. Not feeling loved is a cage of loneliness and He takes you out of that. With God you are not bound by the worlds prisons of self worth, murder, drunkenness, lies, selfishness, ugliness, greed. God takes you out of this and puts you right on His lap where you are unharmed and untouched. All you need is to know this. If you know this than the feelings won't sway your soul. The demons can play with your feelings but your knowledge is engraved in your conscience and they cannot touch your conscience. It's your safe graven place where God is found.
The chorus of Marry Me by Train always gets me. I feel it's God saying to marry Him today and everyday. He always wants to be close, everyday. So to put vows into this bond, as in marriage, stamps it permanent. Love it.