So I've been thinking a lot about the point of life and how selfishly we should choose to live verses how selfishly we are actually called to live. My question is simple. Is it selfish to be married? This question sounds absurd but just bear with me.
I started a nanny job a few days ago to observe the family life more closely. I love taking care of children and so I thought it'd be perfect. Being there just for a few days has got me thinking already. When you have a family, you are unable to "care" for the world. You need to be cloistered in a certain sense from the world as to create a trusting and close family sense for the children in the house because it is from the house that we all learn how to love. As a parent, that would be a very huge responsibility to foster: creating a space for as a building block of and for love. And considering the sensitiveness of the human being, it is needed to make sure they are not bombarded by so many outsiders that they are uncertain of where the family really is (ie who really is my mommy and daddy?)
Now that I see this necessity more clearly, I wonder about the calling of loving the world. Would that fit into a family? Motherhood of your own children?
Motherhood is such a beautiful calling, if not the most beautiful of all the vocations. Giving life. Representing God to vulnerable children. Being the permanent gaurdian of lives. God trusting you with His amazing creations. It surpasses the simple status of "an honor."
Now I wonder, when someone feels called to love as many as possible--the world if possible, where does that person fall into the family vocation? And knowing that the majority of persons have the calling to be married and to give life makes me think about how God really wants us to live. I think with all of these equations the conclusion would be that we need to be a little selfish (if called to marriage)...and I don't know how much I like that as of right now. I'm in the process of accepting it, but I'm finding it really hard to accept. To look around me in the United States of America and see the many, many families around keeping close to themselves, taking care of their business (their kids) how do I not see the necessity of being a little "selfish" for the sake of the children? They are doing a terrific job of making sure their kids have a great life. But in my heart, where orphans live, I think where do other children fall into their heart? Is there no room for them? That makes me sad but at the same time the most joyous for those children who take up the whole of their parents' hearts. I don't know how I will accept this reality. I don't know what I'll do, but I'm trying my best. This may be something that leads me to my own vocation. Will I be a mother to her own children and with the most generous husband to allow us to adopt orphans or will I need to be single in order to share my love to orphans around the world? Sometimes I feel like I love too much. And other times I feel I'm being way too selfish. I search for perfection but will never find it in myself. There's a reality for us! We try so hard, beat ourselves up for the lack of perfection. I know God laughs at this. The perfection is Him. We are really searching for Him. Which leads me to say that God is searching for us. Since the beginning of time God has been searching for man.
And the Lord God called Adam and said to him: "Where are you?" Genesis 3.9
That's just a quick "God is so amazing" insert. :) You should know by now that I can't help but insert those.
My conclusion will be quick seeing as I am in Starbucks for the free Wifi and they are closing right now. My conclusion: married life is a beautiful call and is the total opposite of selfishness because the parents are giving their lives completely to eachother and to their children. It's heroic. So because I have this heart for the world and orphans, I need to figure out what I'm going to do with it. How I am going to steer it to the right place. And how I will use this desire to love many...
P.S. Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you had a beautiful time loving others with God's love today.